Decorating

Just done a bit of decorating around the blog, a bit old fashioned, I know. But hey' I'm an old fashioned type of guy.


© Bob Slot 2007

Wild Geese

Ever get the impression you're wasting your time?

Limit jail sentences, urges Reid

Only a short one today, the wild geese have got out again!

http://www.prisonworks.org/


© Bob Slot 2007

The Sandwich Toaster

I remember a few years back, when I was in my youth, there was an advert that was often shown on the tv. It was for a sandwich toaster (Could have been a Breville, but my memory is not what it once was) that cut your toasted sandwiches in half and sealed them around the edges, So that they tasted twice as good!

On first seeing that advert, I became one of the converted. Of course, doubling things makes them as twice good! It's obvious isn't it! The evidence is clear to see...

When someone decides to work harder to meet a deadline they Double their efforts!

Those old Bra ad's used to talk of lifting and Separating, now that has to be a good thing surely!

And what could be nicer after a delicious meal than a lovely Banana Split?

So you see, separating, doubling and splitting things is great!

It will therefore be no surprise to you that I am looking forward to the new Home Office Split. This has to be great news! We are going to see a whole new Home office, cut in two, sealed and toasted to perfection... Ummmm I can smell it now!

I recently saw this kind of 'progress' at work, the division was under performing and so to improve our performance and consolidate our efforts we were split, from 2 to 4 Sub-Divisions.

The list of outstanding jobs doubled at about the same time, and never seems to have got any shorter. Chiefs and Indians? I don't know.

Have to go, got to sort out the separation from my wife, explain to my young son how when he is bowling to avoid a 7-10 Split and keep taking the tablets to stop my Double Vision!

Oh wait! I'm confused now.



© Bob Slot 2007

Patriotism

I love my country, I also love to travel around the world and experience different cultures. In fact one day I'm going to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

But most of all, I love to return home;

This royal throne of kings, this sceptred isle,
This earth of majesty, this seat of Mars,
This other Eden, demi-paradise,
This fortress built by Nature for herself
Against infection and the hand of war,
This happy breed of men, this little world,
This precious stone set in the silver sea,
Which serves it in the office of a wall
Or as a moat defensive to a house,
Against the envy of less happier lands,--
This blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this England.

William Shakespeare, "King Richard II", Act 2 scene 1




















© Bob Slot 2007

Beautiful Summers Day

Picture the scene, it's a beautiful summers day, you are out with the family enjoying the sun, having a picnic in the park. You feed the ducks with your two children (Who are both impeccably behaved as ever) then play football with them before they dash off to have a go on the swings. All is well with the world.

Then comes the time to go home, and later to work. On the night shift in Shitesville.

Two minutes after parade starts the first call comes in, a domestic disturbance in the worst part of town. You head off up there with your partner. And it's the same old story...

She said this...

He said that....

Blah Blah.... Bit of swearing then "Get out of my f**king house anyway!" and he starts to become aggressive.

Well you can't leave everybody in these circumstances so then it's arrest time, but while you are struggling with him, you suddenly find a screaming banshee on your back.

In a flash it's gone from 'defend me from him' to 'Get off my husband'

And then all the balloons go up, it turns into a brawl and everyone gets hurt. You drag the woman out of the house as she spits, kicks and shouts her vile curses at you. The whole neighbourhood suddenly looks up from it's collective television and decides that, what's on in the street is better than Eastenders.

So you now have an audience, and there you are, a 6'00" tall broad shouldered male police officer wearing ballistic armour and with a range of weaponry attached to a belt that Batman would have been jealous of, but you are being beaten up by a girl!

Or maybe you are not being beaten up, but it is proving more than a bit difficult to restrain her and the only thoughts in your head are how much her nails are digging into the back of your hands, how your head is still ringing from that lucky shot she got in earlier and worst of all how bloody awful this must look to an observer.

With the help of your colleagues you eventually get her into the back of a caged van and she kicks and bangs around in there all the way back to the station. The man is also restrained in much the same way.

And so you now take stock, your head is still ringing, your hands are bleeding and the wounds look like they may be so infected that a bath in dettol is probably your best option. Your shirt is ripped and covered in muck, snot and blood, your trousers likewise.

You eventually get cleaned up, go home get some sleep etc, only the next day when the kids feel like another picnic and another game of football it's not quite as enjoyable, you have a general malaise that overcomes you and makes you feel "I am getting to old for this" even though you are still only in your thirties.

But you can't go sick or your bonus payments may be effected and you won't get that nice posting to the department you so wanted, and we were short of staff last night so imagine how much worse it would be if I didn't turn up.

A few days later, you are back at work when a pristinely suited police Inspector calls around to visit, he brings you a piece of paper informing you that a complaint has been received.

Apparently you 'handcuffed' a perfectly personable and passive female prisoner whom you had arrested unlawfully. And not only that, you arrested her husband, who had done nuffinck either.

As the form is handed over, you take another long look at the healing skin on the back of your hands and think to yourself....


WHY?


© Bob Slot 2007

Police Recruit Standards

Now, before I start I don't want to offend anyone. I have nothing against thick people and will defend with my life your right to be as stupid as you like.

Let me also say that I am not the cleverest person that ever walked the earth. If I were I would find better things to do with my time than to referee minor squabbles!

However, having said that, has anyone noticed the standard of police recruitment can be very (How shall I put it?) variable?

I will give you a recent example;

Now, I can use this example only because the person involved is no longer in the police, he thought better of it. And before you ask, no he wasn't pushed.

I am a tutor constable (For my sins) and this often leads to me having to sort out other officers problems as well as my own.

Now when a new recruit joins the police they go through rigorous testing in mental, physical and medical areas. These tests are in place to weed out those not suitable for the job. The mental tests may cover basic communication skills, reading writing etc.

After they join, they undertake approximately six months of training before being allowed out to patrol on their own, within this six months will be a few weeks patrolling with a tutor constable i.e. me ;-)

Now, one such officer was under my supervision, and needed to claim some expenses he had incurred on an earlier training course.

However, his problem was that he had not claimed the amount within the 3 month time period (Bureaucracy warning!) that he was allowed.

"No problem" says I "Just attach a form 824c (2nd Bureaucracy warning!) with a full explanation i.e. you didn't know you only had three months, they will consider it a special case and you should get the dosh"

"OK" says he, "But will you help me fill in my 824c?"

Of Course I will, and so off I go, in fine flow, with the full English language at my disposal dictating the officers plea. Words trip off my tongue in the style of Wordsworth and Chaucer, I am a literary genius at work. The officer is shocked and amazed at my command of the language, he waits with 'bated breath as each syllable is released from my mouth and floats majestically towards his eagerly awaiting lug holes.

Me "OK so you need to put, I didn't claim the expenses within the three months, cos I was not told to"

See, good aren't I?

Me "Ok got that? Now read it back to me"

Reply "I didn't claim the expenses within the three months, cos I was told not to"

Me "Erm, It's good but it's not right" (My tutor training coming in here, praise them before you tell them they are crap!) "The first thing anyone will ask you is "Who told you not to?" Obviously you were 'not told' not 'told not' "

Reply "It's the same difference"

Me "Err, no it's not actually, they mean two completely different things"

Well, I will say that I probably then spent about an hour and a half teaching the difference between 'not told' and 'told not' but in all honesty I don't think he had grasped it by the end. He eventually told me it was too early in the morning for English language lessons and we had to agree that I was right, eventually the form got filled in correctly.

It's not rocket science, but a basic standard in English is required and how this guy got through without that I will never know. And we are not talking about a young school leaver here either, this was a man in his late thirties.

Ah, well it's good to know that in the main the standard of recruit is good, however if you have that one bad one in charge of your complaint of crime, what does it make you think?


© Bob Slot 2007

Worst Police Dog in the World

I love this video, the poor dog just wants to play but they forgot the stick.