The Home Office "Fighting Police Bureaucracy"

My first post of the year, Happy New Year, all the best to you and yours!

In 2004 the Home Office set up the "Policing Bureaucracy Gateway" part of a package of measures to "free up police officers' time from unnecessary bureaucracy and paperwork."

Sorry if I haven't noticed it, but in my experience it seems to be exactly the opposite.

Let us say for example that someone spilled something (Coffee most likely) on one of my uniform shirts and all the best efforts of Daz and even better New Daz failed to remove the offending stain. Now you might say to me "OK Bobby, get yourself a new shirt"

Well, getting a new shirt for me would involve the following procedure...

1) Write out a report on the correct form (Lets say a GB338 for arguments sake) explaining in full why a new shirt is required, how the old one came to be damaged and what the damage consists of.

2) Take the report and the damaged shirt to my Inspector for him/her to Inspect the damage (Do you think this is how Inspectors got their name) and then if he/she agrees that I need a replacement he/she must support the application and sign the form.

3) Get into a vehicle (My own more often than not, because I don't have access to a police vehicle) and drive the two mile journey across town to my divisional headquarters, with my damaged shirt and the report form duly signed. (You might ask why I don't walk, would you walk along carrying a coffee stained shirt and an A4 form that you needed to keep in pristine condition. We don't walk around with shopping trolleys you know! (Although that's not a bad idea for the suggestion scheme!))

4) Speak with the Divisional budget holder or the budget holders deputy in his/her absence and plead my case for a new shirt, allowing him/her to study the stain in detail for suggestions on other, cheaper ways of getting around the problem. It is at this point that my little scam is most likely to fail. My previous allocation of shirts for the past 15 years will be studied in great detail to make sure there is no pattern of staining and swapping occurring, and that I have not already taken my allocated number of shirts for the decade. If the budget holder agrees (They usually don't) then he/she has to support my application further by adding his/her signature to the form GB338. At this point I run off clutching my signed form and shouting 'fools'

5) I then have to attend the admin department taking along my signed report to the admin assistant who is in charge of the requisition form book. I am then allowed (Under the supervision of the administration assistant) to fill in (In duplicate) the next blank form in the book (Lets call this form a RQ133) In order to do this correctly I need to also study a catalogue roughly the size of several inner city telephone directories in order to obtain the correct order code for a male police officers shirt size 15" neck (Who am I trying to kid?) Once I have found the code (Something along the lines of polmalshir00015) and filled in the form correctly I can attach my form GB338 to the copy of the form RQ133 that stays in the book and detach the duplicate form RQ133 with which I can hopefully swap for a shirt.

6) However that's not all. So far I have only succeeded in being supplied with a piece of paper! I then need to get back in my vehicle and drive the two miles back to my Inspector. As his/her job title suggests he/she will then inspect my form RQ133, and assuming he/she finds it to his/her satisfaction (Assuming also that he/she hasn't gone home in the meantime) he/she will sign it authorising me to obtain a shirt.

7) I am now left with a choice, I can now send the completed form through the internal mail (in which case I will probably never see it or said shirt again) or I can drive the five miles or so to my forces' clothing and equipment stores in order to collect it myself. I think I will do the latter.

8) Drive to the clothing store, be met by several obnoxious stores staff (The word Jobsworth was invented for these guys) drinking tea and whose first comment will be "Have you got an appointment, we can't see anyone without an appointment!"

9) Lets assume here that I did phone ahead and waited the three weeks until my appointment date so can answer "Yes I do have an appointment, thank you, and what is more I also have a correctly obtained and duly signed form RQ133 allowing me to procure from you one shirt, my fine man!"

10) Hand over the form and be told "You'll be lucky pal, we've had no size 15" shirts since 1977, they are on back order, the supplier says we will 'ave 'em Tuesday week"

At this point I hand over my form (never to see or hear anything about it again most probably) go back to my place of work, get my coat on and go home.

That might sound ridiculous to you, but in all honesty it's not far from the truth. I could have probably made my own shirt in the time it takes to obtain one.

It's also worthy of note that this policy was introduced SINCE 2004! It has been brought in because of the massive deficit in funding that my force has suffered over the past few years.

Fighting Bureaucracy?

© Bob Slot 2007